Btw the nut in my hair goes great with my outfit !!! :(
So I finally got the Patron washed off my boobs.
Let's just say he looked at my vagina like it was a rubics cube.
just realized the sink is the perfect height to piss into never cleaning the toilet again
Somebodaw call 311 postw fire bunso on vietena floorwnkd
To be clear, the next time I wake up with your dick inside me, I will reach down and grab one and squeeze until it pops like a grape. You've been warned.
how do you play pong handcuffed?
I literally have nothing else left to cut besides my drug budget; the dark days are among us
A guy just grabbed my balls before he shook my hand because he thought he knew me.
it was so good i reconsidered my staunch atheism
No matter how many miles separate us, I will always be here to get you through whiskey shots.
My car insurance payment showed up today, so no inflatable hot tub for now. Sorry to disappoint.
I went to an adult Halloween party last night dressed as Mrs. Doubtfire, but I woke up on a stranger's couch surrounded by sleeping children in karate gi's. And I accidentally flushed my granny wig mid-puke, so if they wake up I'm gonna have to convince them that I'm just a weird older man and not a terrible cross dresser.
How did you come to this point in your life?
Good bartenders.
Mass text: dear whatever jerk off who thinks they stole drugs from me. It was birth control. Go fuck yourself. And pray that I don't get pregnant.
Who puts their birth control in a bottle with a smiley face?!
Oh fuck wait
Is it just me or did we have a heart to heart talk while you were naked last night?
Randomize
