He is such a gentleman, he paid for my plan b
dude, the building's fire alarm was going off for over an hour last night and you didn't move
that's ok, when I'm passed out drunk I'm impervious to flame
so my mom just told me that she wouldnt pick me up and take us to taco bell at 3AM...
If hangovers were people John Goodman would be living in my skull trying to eat the back of my eyes
i went to a real vip club. the bathroom attendant was wiping down counters after girls wearing gucci did lines of coke on them. where did MY life go wrong
the fact that i fell through a skylight is the least humiliating part of the night
I swear I could audibly hear her vagina slam shut when you walked up to hit on her.
I have no idea. Next thing I know we're all down on one knee saying the pledge of allegiance and then singing I'm Proud to be an American. Then Trevor ate pizza off the sidewalk.
It's been a year of occasional hook ups....this was bound to happen sometime even with your jank ovary schedule.
Just recreated a sandwich from the caf in my own kitchen. Graduation denial at it's finest.
Did you have ill-advised lesbian sex on the deathbed of their relationship?
Of course. Go big or go home.
You're my fucking queen.
Tomorrow after you go to the library to look up gay porn, I'm going to come to your apartment to paint a nude portrait of you. Get pumped, plopernickle.
I was giving him a blowjob but we had to stop because he started crying when his cat walked in and started staring at us
Can I just keep holy water in the night stand next to the vibrator?
1) break up with him. 2) feel bad. 3) fuck some other guy. 4) feel better. Boom! Life plan. You're welcome.
Randomize
