What's wrong?
Long week. Sore muscles. Bad back. Hangover. Mini-keg. Crazy ex-wife. Unavailable love-interest. Dead celebrity families. Republicans.
Pussy.
Are you okay?
Don't worry. Self-respect preserved. My speech was Grey's quality... I made him cry.
Just seeing my phone say "picture message from: Senor Floppy Cock", i knew it was going to make me smile.
Just checked my recent transactions online. Between the hours of 1 and 3am on September 30th, I went to 7/11 4 times. Unacceptable.
She said we should all be mermaids since didn't breathe for 9 months inside our mothers. I want her logic.
I told him I wanted to "ride him like a show pony" I think he gets the picture
At the drs she looked at my back saw your scratch marks and asked "does your back itch a lot?"
also Jesus you really need to change your diet. I just washed your baby gravy out of my hair and it's so acidic my hair is damaged. You have killer sperm
Just lectured your brother about using condoms when hooking up with girls he meets online. I should be a fucking life coach
Other than trying to finger me on the couch in the middle of the bar a few times, you were fine.
I just set an alarm for 5 am tomorrow morning titled "Wake and Bake Its Christmas motherfucker"
im questioning your sanity while also accepting your reality
Hey so I got my period
Thank god I wasn't ready to deal with sober you for 9 months
Let's be real, he was never going to be tall enough
Just convinced the cute guy from class that I have prostate cancer. GET ME OUT OF THIS TOWN!
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