I am in shape. i keep telling you that.
Round is not "in shape," it's "a shape."
It's 10am, I'm at grocery store buying booze b/c the bf just told me that he didn't "technically" break up with his ex.
Masturbating after my cheeseburger. It's unavoidable.
I GOT EATEN OUT IN A MERCEDES ON A TUESDAY NIGHT. I EARNED THIS SHIT.
I just realized that all of my cardio comes from dancing on tables.
Remind me if I threw up on you last night or if that was just a dream.
Are you also wondering how we get home after the party bus?
Home?
playing nyquil roulette. it entails taking shots of nyquil and hoping it doesnt kick in during sex or in public. game on.
I slept with him that night and I'm not sure if my lack of enthusiasm was obvious but I found him eating ice cream in the bathtub the next morning. Mom will be so proud.
She once gave me sex advice over the phone while intoxicated. So no you don't have the cooler therapist.
When you're a bigshot ER surgeon and I'm a starving artist, I want you to remember who held your hair last night.
Gotcha. How bad is it?
Well to compare it to something I would say it what's that walls would like inside the primate exhibit at the zoo after a group of monkeys finished throwing feces at each other all afternoon
Will you fuck me while I eat my burrito though? I'm kind of hungry.
I got so drunk last night I took a ice bath with my mother in law
I guess you could say the date didn’t go so well since I was drunkenly Snapchatting with my ex by the end of it.
Randomize
