we just got in the car and birthday sex is playing
that is a sign the 3 of us should have a threesome
we agree. completely
Found an earplug stuck to the inside of my thigh this afternoon. Just how much noise were we making?
My new apartment is within walking distance of both the liquor store and the chinese buffet. This is either going to be my worst life choice ever or my best.
you realize that if you hadn't mouthed "we're getting laid tonight", i wouldn't have woken up with your ex this morning. just sayin
I know. She seems like she getting that "need some dick" restlessness. Might explain the feisty attitude
Come over. I'll eat you out and we'll make bacon.
best text I've received ever.
Having to explain to my dad why there are chicken wings to the pool filter, new low.
it is a dangerous dangerous place where morals and dignity go to die and all your fantasies about men become reality.
are you just inviting me because you can't afford an actual stripper?
So after I fell off 4 times we concluded I'm not allowed to ride him anymore.
Somewhere out there, on several phones belonging to strangers, exists a video of me rapping Baby Got Back on stage in four inch heels that I stole from the drag queen. Also I made out with the chick with the octopus tattoo.
You have the best birthdays
Haha I'M GOING TO MISS HIS PENIS SO MUCH. But not his bipolarness.
3.5 bazillion penises. So not that hard to find a new good one
Just stopped at a cross walk because the light turned red 3 streets down. I'm way too high.
New drinking game get out your high school year book and take a shot for everyone in your class who's had a baby!
The heart wants what the heart wants, and once again it’s a guy with brown hair, wears a chain, and has a nicotine addiction.
Randomize
