i guess its not very common for a paramedic to have to revive someone who was struck by a falling shampoo bottle while getting off from the bathtub faucet.
went to library to start paper due tomorrow & took those orange addys u gave. now realizing they were ur xanax. completely fucked and going to fail, but calmly at peace with the situation.
Hey cutie is the game almost over? I'm making dinner for us it'll be ready soon. Xox
You would rather make fucking dinner than watch a hockey game that rivals the epic-ness of miracle, the one of the biggest upsets in sport history? Babe I don't know if I can date a girl with such terrible priorities.
This is the way my sobriety ends: Not with a bang, but with a whimper.
Dude, I'm importing a boy from Oklahoma for my divorce party. It's like doctors without borders, but with dicks.
Claiming territory at this party means signing a girls ass...I've got dibs on a blonde
As sure as my left ball is bigger then my right. We will have our moment.
Spent fifteen minutes in the car thinking i was psychic before i realized the cd was not on shuffle
How much more is Amanda Bynes going to rip out our hearts?!?!?
Dicks are so weird. He has kind of a feminine comforter in the background.
A guy claiming to be the Japanese counterpart to the White Power Ranger is trying to take me home....
he kissed both of us goodnight when we dropped him off...I didn't know if I was more offended or impressed
We will just distract him with tacos and porn.
I'm drunk and kinda wanna go home but now I have to go have more sex, my boxers are in the dryer
Replacing my paralegal is easy. Replacing my favorite office fuck toy is a totally different story. Damn him for wanting to better himself instead of being my manwhore
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