I cannot find my penis.
Jesus wouldn't steal pop tarts. So why did you?
it's like your virginity...sometimes you have to pretend like it's still there
Well my dea agent brother is visiting so I'm gonna get high and see if he notices
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Also I've decided that I'm buying the next friend of mine who is dumb enough to get married a live porcupine as a wedding present.
I'm an approx 70% certain someone switched my UV Blue for Windex - just as volatile as you might think.
Your vase full of piss was still at his house and he still doesn't know.
First sunburned tits of the season. And it's only April... I feel like it's going to be a good summer.
You drunkenly promised dick pics on your way out the door and then never delivered. I don't know how I'll ever be able to trust you again.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
So we are in the middle of sex and his brother knocks on the door and says "dude I just wanted to know if you want to see the fish I got tonight"
I want to eat a stick of butter
Did your pain meds kick in?
It tastes nice
She thought I was dancing but I just couldn't catch my balance for 11 blocks.
I admit I fucked your best friend, but to be fair, you fucked the tristate area. So there's a good chance about 40% of those people are MY friends.
So I lost my dignity between the strip club and your penis...
You do realize last night you asked me if shampoo had an expiration date then cried for 15 mins when I told you it did
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