thus making me awesome and them whores
You closed the sidewalk off to pedestrians last night. With a glitter covered safety cone
My birth control alarm just woke me up from my dream where I was pregnant. Thank god.
Jesus people on campus asked me what i do for joy. I said i love sinning especially pre-marital sex.
you convinced me to pee myself because I was wearing dark jeans.
I passed out in the VIP room and she charged me for 17 songs until I woke up, theres a bouncer asking me for $700, fuck tequila
there has got to be a maximum amount of semen a person can take in before they get some kind of poisoning.
The one wearing a viking helmet and holding a bottle of Smirnoff. She's laying on the floor of the tube singing "cant find my way home" . You can't miss her..
I am sitting here. Drinking from a bottle of vodka. Eating shredded cheese from a bag and waiting on him to pick me up after he finishes with his girlfriend. This is what dreams are made of.
Why were you eating a hot dog in the bathroom at 230 am?
My roommate was sleeping, I thought it would be rude
I lied. Can't workout today. Only exercises I'm currently capable of doing are breathing ones to keep last night's drinks ending up all over the classroom.
By the power invested in me i promise you hot wedding sex at my wedding.
You don't know true terror until you get stuck in a porta potty while frying your face off.
When you wake up with a bow tie and mustache drawn on your penis, you know you had a good night.
I don't know why, but whenever I shave my balls I feel more aerodynamic.
Randomize
