I was being carried out of the bar, but then my friend saw Pat who just got kicked out scaling the wall to sneak back in, so he carried me back in, sat me on the bar stool, and the bartender just let us all keep drinking.
Being persistent has its perks my friend.
halloween is SO much better on drugs, why didn't anyone let us know about this when we were kids
We've done the math and the dogs tails are wagging at a rate of 3000 wags per hour. Stoned.
Watching water boil has never been so amazing. I love wake-and-bakes.
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How am I suppose to fully love you when you cant even open up and try to fulfill my midget fantasy
He's cute when he's drunk, too. Also he tried to fight my door...
I usually don't buy birthday presents for my booty calls
But you'll make an exception
probably not
if masturbating while stoned isn't called "weed whacking" then i just don't know how to live my life anymore
If you are breathing, I want you at your house. No non-breathing-related excuses.
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What's an appropriate engagement gift for the girl that's marrying your brother's Tuesday night hookup? Cause all I can think of is vodka and Kleenex.
Like I thought me shitting my pants was bad today... Then the election happened.
After an orgasm, I always feel the urge to sing A Whole New World from the move Aladdin and I'm not quite sure why.
It's a shame, really, because he's got the cock of a horse... And the personality of dry toast.
Update on my sex life: my calves are sore from masturbating too much. It's a thing. Look it up.
I think he just shit his pants. Yep he did. That's unfortunate.
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