Everyone is in jail. I'll see what i can do though
She begged me for sex again. I felt like I was telling a homeless person I didn't have any change.
I'm too tired to go all the way tonight, especially if you're going to quote Katy Perry at me during
He came up behind me making dolphin noises in my ear when I noticed a collection of hors d'ouevres from the reception earlier in his jacket pocket
I will never doubt you again...he IS perfect for you
And I was chasing apple pie moonshine (provided by cops) with bud light limeys. In a golf cart, wearing a tiara.
Thank you for not puking on my lap during the first class of the semester. And fuck you for doing it in the second.
There's no winning that game with me. It's either "Can I walk home at the end of the night," or "am I throwing up trying to sleep in the front yard." Rules are irrelevant.
Jimmy johns delivers to the bar behind work. Happy vodka day!
Regardless of how one feels after a break up, whiskey must be consumed.
Friday is the holy day of drinking. Thou shalt observe the Sabbath. It's in the bible. Look it up bitch.
That's probably why white girls drink so much espresso. Piledriving coke and vodka crans takes a fucking toll man
I broke a rule
Which One?!
The one where I shouldn't sleep with your friends. I broke this particular rule 4 times.
You're officially the worst brother ever.
Dude, you screamed I AM THE WALRUS while giving a statue of Ronald McCdonald a lapdance. You were NOT sober.
The cl.oudds are foaming a really big pen.Is OMG.
Upstairs definitely just had sex while I wrote you love poetry. That was a fun experience 🤷🏻♀️
I have a number of responses, ranging in content, tone, and maturity. Choose your destiny...
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