Woke up. Made a pizza. Burnt it. Going back to bed cuz today sucks
He just asked me if his big had a curved penis. Awkward? I think so.
let me put this in terms we both understand. he was the crunchwrap supreme of men--the perfect combo of all things manly, gooey and delicious. and ready for instant enjoyment.
he designed a suit out of pillows to protect himself when he fell.
engineering majors are such efficient drunks.
I'm still trying to decide if it's a complement when he said "I'd like to subscribe to your daddy issues".
Fun fact: female penguins have sex in exchange for pebbles to build nests. I now know what im being for halloween
Doing Jager Bombs on a Sunday morning is justified...How else is my team going to win?
He leaned off the deck, puked a waterfall of beer, looked back at everyone and said "it was just a burp".
Children cease to be precious when they crap their shorts in the pool I exercise at.
Ways to ruin a one night stand: the guy finds your parenting magazine on your dorm room desk.
I just cut open the plastic package of a Plan B pill using the bottle opener I carry in my purse. #whyidrink
You know the sex was good when he had to ask which way was north before he left.
I think I fell asleep on the dance floor at one point...but played it off cool and acted like I just did the robot.
you left your anal beads in the dishwasher
When he busted out the ketchup I got the hell out of there. It got really creepy really fast.
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