And then you told your sister how horrible of a friend I was because I couldn't get you cheese fries...
I was hidding Easter eggs in CHURCH this morning when one of the older men came up to me and said "I always knew you'd be a bunny just not the Easter kind" ... Our congregation obviously has high hopes for their pastor's daighter
How do you have time to get laid so much in law school?
I like to set goals for myself. for example, he was my first libertarian
It's tuesday, which means cocktails followed by cocktales.
She's like the Michael Jordan of alcoholism
seriously when did my vagina become a soup kitchen for the poor
you closed your eyes and pointed to a cupboard..there was vodka on the top shelf. your sixth sense is amazing. plus, we convinced the foreign kid you're a booze whisperer
Sometimes crazy just comes naturally. I don't need booze to say that on occasion I feel the need to rip off my asshole and throw it against the fridge to see if it sticks.
Went to a date party without a date and had a threesome wooops
And then I cried about the Cubs for a half hour. If my dignity hadn't already been lost by that point in the night, it sure as hell was then.
I deflowered you on valentines day. I AM THE BEST AT ROMANCE. LOVE ME.
This is my life. Enjoy the view
so this maintenance guy stood at the corner of my cubical and scratched his balls for like a full minute cause he thought no one could see him
YOUR MANICOTTI IS FULL OF LIES
Sorry i meant to send that to my mom
grapes are the best munchies food ever cuz like the juice explodes in my mouth and my mouth gets all relieved of dryness. and the skin of the grape is like the food. and theres so many grapes!
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