is her vagina suppost to smell like dirty taco bell?
I like daylight savings. I don't care if it's 4 oclock it's not daydrinking if it's dark out
seek help.
I just heard a girl in all seriousness say, "I told him I'm not a stalker. I just really really want to talk to him."
I forgot to mention I threw up in my wine glass AND my neighbors empty cup.
as soon as I walked into work this morning, my boss called me out on my hangover, patted me on the back and said I'm getting time an a half for even showing up. Did I really look that bad this morning?
Boy did I ever crash and burn on the pickled egg pick up line.
what compelled you to fill her bra with pudding and freeze it in the first place?
i might remember if i didn't get knocked out with it later that day.
He is getting married. In the time it took for this conversation he probably cheated on her three times
I have a 30 pack and enough condoms to last until tomorrow morning. Have Mystery Science Theater 3000 ready. I'm on my way over.
ETSY JUST SENT ME AN EMAIL WITH THE SUBJECT "SUMER ROMANCE" I'M BEYOND FUCKING DONE
The moment when you and your BFF compare frequently used emojis and realize you have similar mental disorders and a really weak alibi.
I threw up in my brother's Easter basket
I'm like a hairless cat ready to be ravished
you stood in front of the mirror for 20 minutes and finally said, "he can hear everything i'm saying inside my head. we need to leave." now try and tell me there is no such thing as too high.
I don't know how I managed to chip the inside of my tooth w/ a turkey and cheeto sandwich, but I think that's what happened.
I'm sorry, a turkey and WHAT sandwich?!?!
Randomize
