Upon hearing of his newfound access to every orifice... even ones he just made up... the Grinch's penis grew three sizes that day.
Swine flu is the new snow day.
I want to get laid tonight but my sheets haven't been washed since vomiting in them on Halloween :(
We had sex on the hood of my car and broke the windshield.
I'm at work, still drunk. Can you turn on the radio? If the station goes off the air I passed out. Can't get fired. Haven't slept yet.
I was going to call you an awful person for that. but then i realized we're both awful people.
Really* awful people.
I got a Luke Skywalker costume so I can go do battle with the homeless guy who plays the fiddle dressed as Darth Vader downtown.
Her face is stuck to the frozen jager bottle. I think shes ok with it
you kept looking at stripers and saying " Go to College"
His dick is longer than my foot and I'm a size 9. I'm literally kicking myself in the vagina
Tonight just try not to threaten to pee on the hot guys buying us drinks....please..
I just tried on my "outfit" for tonight and I should just wear sweatpants and a sign on my face that says I like it in the ass. That would be more comfortable
Better safe and shitfaced than hungover and in need of another surgery.
First night in my new apartment and I threw up in front of my neighbors door. Starting off this relationship strong.
I feel like I might be the only person I know who eats bundles of radishes in-between orgasms from their vibrator.
Randomize
