She described it as "a squirrel being hit by a hurricane"
dude i dont realllllly have to fuck her do i? its just a mess down there and i think im gonna cry
You seriously don't know?He was trying to arrest you and you were shouting that you were being punk'd. Punk'd? that show got cancelled like 5 years ago.
I just asked the contractor building my house what it would cost to put a garbage disposal in all the shower drains...there was a lot of judging going on.
We name dropped you at the liquor store and got a ten percent discount!
You are the only one who would stop a bum, tell him to open up, then pour straight vodka in his mouth. You made his year.
i feel we're the only people who'd use nyquil sexually
I convinced every single one of my cousins to bring me a glass of wine. I was the alcoholic queen and they were my subjects.
Ryan got so drunk he gave a hobo $20 and I had to zip tie him to the bed so he doesn't out stupid himself
What the hell man, you basically stole my girlfriend with a bucket of KFC.
This is why I only drink in places with a C or D health rating
He gets married Father's Day weekend and I just found out I'm pregnant. What do I do?
I'm killing it this week, I've peed my pants and put my vibrator into the washing machine.
This is the best 30th birthday ever. In a Motel 6 drinking a shower beer and sending slow-mo dick helicopter videos to you.
Definitely went to court without a bra and panties because Mr. LastNight’s dog stole them. I guarantee you I was the only lawyer going commando in court
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