After we had sex, she played this little piggy with my toes
I have the Lakers game on, but all I can think about is having sex with you. Not sure what you've done here.
I gave you a 45 minute blowjob. You were inside me for 3 minutes. I'm going to need you to get your shit together.
I don't remember anything but yelling at the ref in Spanish.
i just remembered that i did the "single ladies" dance ON THE BAR...fuck you slippery nipples i curse the day i discovered you
Just walk straight and zig zag through cars tell you get to the road. That's where I am. Perpendicular to the doors do not make any turns
We're gona eat taco bell and then take exlax and see who can hold it in the longest. Loser has to pay for drinks all weekend. You in?
he wouldn't lick chocolate syrup off of me because he's vegan. most awkward shower ever.
we're a generation of lazy underachieving stoners and uncreative overachieving automatons. you're golden
When someone's woman crush wednesday is an ultrasound of her unborn daughter...
I can't
So.. I was kinda upset i got the bad fuck out of the situation
He totally fucked me in his Chewbacca socks
No he doesn’t answer my texts except for like on New Year’s Because like I was fucked up on New Year’s and he said happy new year and I told him the same and I called him dragonslayer and you can’t really recover from that
When he busted out the ketchup I got the hell out of there. It got really creepy really fast.
I'm literally trying to cool beer down right now in my car by putting it on my floor and blasting cold air on it
Randomize
