I may or may not be drunk driving a golf cart. Vegaaaassssssss.
By the grace of god and the ingenuity of Alexander Graham Bell, this text message is made possibe: YOU ARE A WHORE
the fact that i fell through a skylight is the least humiliating part of the night
now you know why we've never bought a 12 pack of king cobras before.
Give me the approximate price and I'll give you the equivalence in blowjobs.
there's a liquor store near my therapist
i might give it a shot.
Hindsight is 20/20. Or a bladder infection.
the question is "speedos?" and the answer is "yes".
You know it's been a good thanksgiving when you pee all over your own hands.
I want to be "performing a disservice to society by actually wearing clothes in public" hot.
you made out with another girl for some wings
My bed smells like the plague
Let's make this a nightly thing. You'll explain the Watergate scandal like you're telling me a bedtime story while I eat popcorn high as fuck
Fuuuuuck dude, he’s got #Excel in his Facebook bio; I’m screaming
I'm not saying it wasn't great. I'm just saying sleeping with a gassy, depressed,45 year old mother was a different experience. Would do it again though.
Randomize
