Dude, you need to talk to your mom
wtf?
She just called and asked if i would be part of the intervention she's planning for you
nailed a girl as she was wearing a darth vader shirt. Cross that one off my list.
Smoked a bowl on a rollercoaster. Literally ON. Beat that.
Already tried, she's too smart for that. I need a Primos "Do your wife in the butt" lure/call to trick her into wanting it
Lucky for you, I found your phone.....Not so lucky for you, it was in the bottom of your vomit-filled trashcan.
This does no justice to the amount of paint I'm covered in or the amount of balls I'm tripping.
I got kicked out of a mexican restaurant last night for being too drunk. This is getting dangerously close to rock bottom
I was preparing to do my walk of shame shirtless, but then I found my sweater, wallet and keys neatly piled under a tree in the park.
I'm missing some hair, but it's cool. Breadsticks are done.
do you know how ratchet you have to be to get kicked out of a drag club on Halloween weekend??
I don't know when it is this year, but if I ever text you an illegible text that also happens to contain sharks, Shark Week started.
I had jack at 8 am= instant drunk
We had sex and then I offered him a cookie...while he was still inside of me. Basically he's in love
And you were like wow I love water shots they taste so good
lol I'll trade you jello for a tampon
what a trade!
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