I just woke up and realized I puked in my boxers WTF.
You stay classy.
The worst part was I forgot until I tried to put them on.
Hey. I found $5 in quarters from one of those state quarter collection books. I'm using it for food tomorrow.
No one actually likes Tequila. They just accept it as a fact of life. Like hpv.
he fucked my hip out of place.
If we see one freshman that cummed on me, we are leaving.
i put that paper plate back in your cabinet because i ate all the ketchup off and you can't even tell. you're welcome.
his teacher called to say he gave a girl on the playground a rock to touch his penis. proudest moment of my fatherhood
Dude. Her vagina is a blender.
I know how to make vodka btw in case you want to come over and do a science project
Using a miniature baseball bat to kill a mosquito in the house may not have been the most efficient or safest way, but that thing is fucking dead. However, so are three wine glasses, a lamp, and my baseball bat privileges. Worth it.
So you're saying you don't want to be with her anymore because she likes sex to much and is just to hot?
Well when you say it that way it makes me sound like an idiot.
You are an idiot.
What's more sad than going to Target to buy Plan B and the new Sam Smith album?
I walked into the bathroom and there's this 6'5" cop washing his hands. He looks at me and goes, "Heard you singing outside. Sound real pretty."
No more tequila EVER.
Is offering to blow your HR rep considered an ethics violation?
drunk me always erases text conversations because she is a woman of mystery and does not like for me to know what's going on in her life
Randomize
