And. No one ejaculated on anyones face. This is all wrong
God, for the last time, no I did not break my nose doing a keg-stand just for a nose job.
I can't tell whether I'm a) still hungover from two nights ago, b) legitimately sick or c) all of the above... multiple choice was never my forte
I sexy timed too hard and there is an ass shaped piece of a ping pong table now missing bc of it. How am I allowed to leave the house without a helmet?
We lost a condom inside me, I had to fish it out. The next day he gave me a Gone Fishin' bumper sticker. True love at its finest.
Can I bring some rope too? It's not too early for bondage talk, is it?
I like the wholesome side of you
I'm so goddamned horny I could use all my pent up energy to tear a redwood out by its roots.
If I never see my landlord's dick again, it'll be too soon.
Nothing like waking up and watching Dr. Phil and masturbating. It's like a protein shake for the day.
I JUST SENT A TOILET SELFIE TO THE WRONG PERSON.
he was wearing a widestriped red gingham suit jacket with complete sincerity im not surprised she beat the shit out of him
Dad is celebrating turning 45 by being drunk in a department store before two o'clock.
My saturday night consisted of sewing my Halloween costume and watching Blues Clues
You actually...sewed your costume?
What was I even doing in 2010?! I feel like that's a question I should be able to type into the Facebook Search bar
I heard Enya coming from steve’s room. I am too high to handle this sudden depth of character
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