I think i peed on brittanys purse
I'm so hungover And my mouth is so dry it feels like my tongue is wearing a sweater
In the airport and just saw a little boy put his head in his mother's crotch... I guess he took a whiff because he backed up and said loudly, "mommy your pee-pee is stinky!"
Okay you totally passed out. Ask me about the bike parking garage and the expired baby formula in the morning.
Is it weird that I found myself thinking of that blue chick from Avatar while she gave me head after the movie?
Found a cheerleading trophy in my shower this morning. Explain.
I wore my front clasp bra so he would have to prove his sobriety to me before we had sex.
Just found a partially digested mushroom under my bed. Thanks for that.
My bathing suit kept falling whenever I went under a wave and this kid caught on and kept checking them out so I told him nothing comes free $5 a boob
This stupid maranara sauce stain sucks. It keeps distracting me and it looks like I'm staring at my tits.
I'm not coming to work today because tequila
She's astronaut crazy. She will wear Depends and drive 12 hrs non-stop if you swipe right.
Challenge accepted
Finally get to put my practical writing degree to use! I'm writing a craigslist ad for a threesome
Where am I? And why the fuck did you leave me here?
Relax. I left you somewhere safe plus you have all my weed so you know I will come back for you.
dude i told her that I loved her...and she said, " go fuck yourself"
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