just did a line in a complete hula outfit off a chick in a devil costume. do you think hell will be this good?
the quote on the bathroom wall was "stop reading this and focus on peeing" and i realized i'd peed on the seat.
He just made his dick say "woof" and howl at me. can you pick me up?
just did awkward shuffle by the bagels in the dining hall at 7:30 AM with a kid i've hooked up with. goodbye freshman year.
You kept tellin the cashier that this order was "To Go" over and over...even tho we were in the drive-thru
She opened a beer bottle with her armpit and then gave me a cigarette from the waistband of her underwear. I dont know if I want to be her or marry her.
I said I was going to sleep an hour ago. Now I'm making plans to get high with the guy who mows your lawn.
We passed my parents while I was giving him road head...that awkward
Well i think matt shit his pants so ill mark that as a W
Good morning sunshine. Care to hear the riveting tale of Michelle and the Almost Great Night That Ended In An Early Morning of Karma Emptying It's Bowels On Her Guilty Shoulders?
I'm working on a search warrant...can u pick up box of Chardonnay...I'll give u cash when u get here...
Yea... I love that ur a prosecutor and drink box wine
First things first, I always get more drunk than the birthday girl. Like, who's idea was it to sing karaoke? I killed it.
I was gonna jerk off, but then I thought about that movie last night and it killed that idea. I have serious boner trauma.
I just got his Save the Dave and, to answer your next question, NO I AM NOT GOING TO THE WEDDING OF THE GUY WHO GOT DRUNK AND CAME ON MY CHEST.
The night got way more interesting after Jimmy started doing summersaults in front of the bar.
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