Lesson learned: don't hide your vodka in your little brothers toy box.
i think i would be more confident if i were chinese.
Sundays have taken on a whole new meaning when I'm not in bed with an excruciating hangover.
that's probably because you left your arm in the fishtank for 90% of the night
Yeah. He can't come because his mom found the pizza box under his bed with my underwear in it. He acted confused, guess because i forgot to tell him..
I don't think we had sex because when I woke up he was still wearing the chicken suit.
Walking through campus with a grocery bag full of pot brownies. I'm like the santa claus of 4/20
A reason for us to be drunk all week National Singles Week
Just so you know, your wedding is in the same place I gave my first bj.
You were talking to yourself and eating cold cuts in the kitchen when I found you
I used the phrase "love child of quasimodo and cyclops " in a sentence today.
Who the abstract fuck do you think you are!?
you're telling me you don't want to have sex 30,000 feet above the earth?
What, That's like a total 7 inches of cock and 6 are from Joe. Don't be mad at me because you had the lamest orgy ever.
Where can I buy a stripper pole at midnight on a Sunday?
Randomize
