Better skin, bigger boobs.. Birth control is INCREASING my chance of getting pregnant because people actually want to have sex with me now.
it's like i need an invisible sign across my boobs that says "DOESN'T HAVE DADDY ISSUES" that only old men can see
Whatever. I'm saving myself for my wedding night or a night with enough patron.
Woke up to a huge puddle of water in the living room floor, apparently I made an indoor snowman.
I woke up naked in his kitchen...His name is Mike and we're having a "what happened last night" beer.
I was trying to be a bartender for my boyfriend and his friends last night, but I was too drunk so I just kept bringing them ice cubes in my hand.
I got drunken sympathy for the whales' plight last night and signed up to give $50 monthly to Greenpeace. Calling to cancel was worse than the hangover.
Hear that? That's the wail of a dying whale. Murderer.
We passed out in his car so I had to find a way to inconspiciously make my walk of shame back inside to go get my shit. To make things more difficult I had no pants and the whole neighborhood was awake
It all started with sending him a text about Spongebob. It escalated from there.
There's always a silver lining when massive voluptuous tits are involved
Sometimes I wish I lived alone because there would be no one to judge me if I wanted to have whiskey and popcorn for breakfast.
After I asked for my 6th Gin & Tonic, the look on the flight attendant's face started to make me feel bad about myself.
I thought the dude was just really enjoying his piss but apparently he was jerkin off into the urinal.
He's a douche. But I like the way he chokes me.
remember when we said that thing when we met about how we were each glad we weren’t furries
ok listen,
Randomize
