bang him and never speak to him again. also, queef in his face.
i dont this its possible to queef on command.
You can now add 30,000 feet to the places where I have puked
my family just sang happy birthday to baby jesus. no ones even drunk yet
you kept insisting that i was jake gyllenhaal and you were heath ledger.
Dude, the cops never think it's as funny as you do.
We literally played a game called pass the child which consisted of us shitfaced tossing the 5 year old birthday boy at each other
Went to 3 separate liquor stores today and I just made a huge tray of jello shots. This will be the Thanksgiving that puts all the others to shame.
he fucked me to the beat of the construction going on outside my house. i will never look at jackhammers the same ever again.
Dude. There's gotta be an article in Cosmo about it cause I've had three different girls tongue tickle my brownie this month.
He left my apartment when I broke up with him just as my booty call was walking in. It was a little awkward...
I legit had a 15 minute convo about dinosaurs with a guy at the bar last night cuz he was wearing a jurassic park shirt
excused from jury duty. THAT hungover...
She's throwing a party for a guy that just got out of rehab?
Remember when you laughed that I downloaded a “fireplace” station on my Roku? I just woke up butt naked on my couch with my fireplace station playing. So there, guess that shows you. Now excuse me while I go back to sleep in front of my fireplace.
Hey long story short Grandma needs bail money.
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