I sent him a picture of my touching myself. He responded back "Your nails look really nice"
I swear to god I'm going to hunt down and stab the next telemarketer that calls from a blocked number while I'm waiting for my STD results...
I wore my underwear in the shower just in case i passed out and you had to come in and get me
an off duty cop drove behind me last night to make sure i didnt get a dui. i was blacked out drunk and on a pill of ecstacy. he knew this. i must be really pretty.
I vomited in the sink and my bra was in there...I don't even have words to describe this hangover confusion
Real friends wouldn't let me shotgun a 4loko after already seeing me trying to eat a girl out through her jeans.
he told me that my best friend was "one the most attractive people he's ever seen" and wondered why he didn't get a blow job
Finals are done.. I just wanna get drunk and pretend I'm a seahorse.
Solid teamwork gives us a good shout of both bringing home trophy cougs
Dude, you punched me in the face bc I wasnt ordering your tbell fast enough. Then when you got it, you threw it out the window bc, and I quote, "OBAMACAREEEE!"
Oh please not the Easy Cheese again. That was weird.
my friend was passed out in the bathroom so I threw up in the coffee maker, not the pot the water reservoir that kind of drunk.
I just remember yelling "BODY SHOTS BODY SHOTS BODY SHOTS" while I was streaking
I have a txt file I don't remember making open on my desktop. All it says is "what it's like to be a bat"
I saw the president of my women in business club at the bar last night...I was gonna thank her for teaching me the business skills to create my own fake to get in... then i decided not
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