You know, as long as there were ice cream breaks, I would totally eat chips for a living.
i'm so desperate for a drink right now i looked up the recipe to make pruno
how do i say, "my ex is going to be at this party so don't look like shit" without sounding like a bitch?
it was like a zeppelin in a condom
just found out this city drinks more beer during oktoberfest than rhode island does in a year.. i'm never leaving
I'm still trying to figure out how you came back with chinese food, and a spoon covered in icing saying 'cake..'
At some point last night was I riding a garbage can.. Things are starting to come back to me
his blanket is still in the back seat of my car, its like a constant reminder of his small penis
don't worry i won't let him get attached. I put on my Hulk onesie after sex and yelled I SMASHED YOU. never seen a guy looked so confused.
There is not enough whiskey in the world to get me through what happened on Pretty Little Liars tonight.
First world problems.
Just want the two of you to know, I went to a golf tournament today. Respectable, expensive… Flipped the golf cart. Seriously, I'm 40. What the fuck?
Whelp, I woke up on the front lawn this morning. I have got to stop wearing these underwear. Every time I do, I end up puking in someone's greenery.
you know its getting late when the "nevers" are turning into "maybe"
DRUNK COOKIES
Are you drunk or are the cookies drunk or are these cookies that get you drunk?
Yes
Her pegging playlist is all heavy metal so stay away if you wanna keep your ass intact
Randomize
