I had a bacon mcgriddle for the first time today. It was like eating a baby angel.
What did you want me to do? You know I don't like fat people. I'm an asshole to them sober it only gets worse when I'm drunk
That doesn't make it okay! You tried kicking the girl's mom out where we were having the party at!
Apparently in gay bars the restroom signs are just a formality. Its a free for all in there
I think the imperative here is that I literally knocked down a sorority house with the force of my dick.
Who the hell poured a whole pouch of Capri Sun down my throat last night?
Bonus points if someone shits their pants. Only 1/2 bonus points if it's you
Bonus points are bonus points regardless
OH DEAR GOD. He looks like if u licked him he'd taste like bourbon, sex and sunshine.
He told me I was his first American. I feel like I should've brought a flag to plant on him.
Hey mom, soo do we have a family lawyer or am I on my own for that?
He walked into the bar, took a deep sniff and said "this place is fertile and ready for my seed" then calmly walked to the service area
Whoever was doing lines off my iPad is a dick. Also bring Gatorade, for I hunger
For Who flesh?
A German guy asked me to take a bath with him. I can't tell if he's just an eccentric European or a run of the mill creep.
I cant believe you made me read bad furry sexts
If sleeping with your boss doesnt scream job security i dont know what does.
All I remember thinking is, why the fuck are there martians on the ceiling? And they were riding fruit. Like strawberries and shit.
Randomize
