is it bad if my mug shot looks better than my profile picture?
Mario Lopez is the poor mans Ryan Seacrest
I twisted my ankle last night doing a super high five with 3 inch heels on.
Using Dr. Seuss quotes to ask me how badly I want your penis is not appropriate.
On the one hand, she would be the biggest mistake of my year. On the other hand, she's here and drunk.
It's 10am. I'm hungover wearing a flyers jersey and a phillies hat and eating a cheesesteak. I'm not the only one. Best city ever.
I've never seen a homeless man jog to get off the bus and then run to his panhandling spot because he's "late for work," but you see something new every day.
Having him as a wingman is like telling the girl you already have aids
The bruises are from paintball. The money is from me being awesome
You were talking about masturbating on the phone then said you had to go because golden girls was on then you called me back saying you seen that episode already.
nothin like your phone freezing up and sending out old booty calls at 11am on a sunday. fml.
I mean thanks for the bj but i wanna forget everything that happened last night between 11 and 5
Just used the "Buddy" Poppy flower I got from a veteran to clean my one hitter. "I'm proud to be an American"
I just got promised sex at a fire station tonight so basically all my porn star dreams are coming true.
What a weekend. It started with me realizing i might not be straight and ended with me spraining my foot.
Randomize
