So, I picked up my 7 ft tall lamp post and used it to close my door. I feel quite accomplished.
you kept insisting that i was jake gyllenhaal and you were heath ledger.
She's singing So Happy Together to her burrito, I want to be on her level.
Do you think she hates me because I thought her roommate's name actually was Butterface?
You're cordially invited to the love nest for alcoholic and aquatic adventures. Also known as an all expense paid trip to my pool, alcohol, and vagina.
It never makes you rethink your life choices when you're breaking into my apartment at 3 am to take a piss in my kitchen sink?
just woke up under a car ? That's odd
Holy fucking shit
WAIT BUT IM WEARING A BACKPACK THAT MAGICALLY HAS 30 BEERS IN IT
I believe in weed hangovers. To say the least.
Funny how I'm trusting a magic 8 ball I found in the kids toy section to tell me about my sex life
bought even stevens on dvd and enough weed and pizza bagels to last us a week.. ready to get snowed in?
too bad we didn't bet. my 38-1 tears would have made great lubrication for a blow job.
You peed all over his floor and had a bottle popped in your ass when you passed out. Don't tell me I'm "still living in my college days"
my drug dealer is also my eyebrow lady. Two birds, one stone.
1st date with cop went weird. He yelled at me & we had a horrible date. Walking to the car I tripped & started bleeding & then he made out with me. Is it wrong that I want to see him again?
THIS IS WHY YOU NEED THERAPY!
He started me on Celexa. I think I feel like Bjork. Is that normal?
Like... my feet feel like little octopuses, and they want to swim to the next room.
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