Bc you can definitely buy condoms if ur a 14 year old girl
I just got a ticket for shitting on a sand dune.
his facebook status quotes britney spears so there is always that
I'll be waiting for you under the stairs with peanut butter and tequila ... Don't tell the neighbors
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Oprah is sooooo fat. I can't even concentrate on Mackenzie Phillips talking about banging her dad
You need to come back and get me. This is not a jersey shore party and he is not dressed as Pauly D and I am about one shot away from hooking up with a real fist pumping Guido.
Yea i'm supposed to have jury duty on monday. Hope they don't mind me still being drunk.
Na you can't get charged for public intoxication unless you're outside. I checked.
His hospital is closing...I consider it "sorry you're losing your job" sex.
It was some time between the gurgles of her blowing me to us throwing up in the same bucket afterwards that I realized we would be doing this a lot.
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Remember that time i gave you head on MY birthday and you made me stop so you could watch the rhino part in 300
Only I could host a baby shower where the cops get called.
Everyone here is taking crazy amounts of mescaline and I'm just over here like hey have you tried the pretzel rolls mmm
Just told myself the phrase "You're not THAT single" while dressing myself
I spent half my night explaining that i'm in an open relationship to the guys that I liked, and the other half of the night explaining that I have a boyfriend to the guys that I didn't like.
And pointless. I'm fully vested in all my calories coming from booze today. The salad just fucks that shit up
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