doing washington apple shots with my mom. sunday afternoons suddenly got so much better.
After me and my boyfriend broke up I had to resist the temptation to send a mass text to my booty calls saying "thank you for your patience. it will be rewarded."
Eliza got arrested. What's the protocol on eating an arrested person's sandwich?
He played a tape of his mad rapping skills after the final...his rapper name was Mad Stylz and he rapped about all the pussy he got in the 90's. I love Sociology.
I feel like a fucked a broomstick last night. You get a gold star.
Should have told me the night we were talking about deal breakers that vomming outside your car was one of them. I would have taken a cab back
Did you mean to cry when you finished last night? Or were you just that drunk?
Dude, I just had the best sex of my life in a porta potty at the NCAA girls lax championships but didn't get her name or number. But I have her sunglasses. How is this possible, I'm sad.
I love your life.
I think this agreement was sent by God. I get to do my own thing, get laid, and he still makes me breakfast in the morning.
Remember that time I hopped home naked from the bar, then tried to convince you I was ok to drive you home? Good call on the taxi.
I'm on A4A looking at dick pics while the CEO is on the phone trying to convince me not to leave the company
I'm like 89% sure I could get him to buy me a car in exchange for a half-assed handy.
"Nobody needs to know that I have a vibrating butt plug and nobody needs to know that I'm probably gonna start wearing it at work"
Some guy is here to get laser hair removal on his balls. I hate my job.
Vocabulary what?!? Shakespeare is my bitch.
Randomize
