If I ever start a band I'm gonna name it "Nancy Reagan's Vagina"
im in an endless cycle of being too hung over to eat all day...then getting too drunk because i didnt eat anything. where is my life going?
I just named my vagina "The Boneyard"
More like "Chia Pet"
Dude if I didn't piss myself last night I dont think I would have woke up in time for work.
i told him i was sober and he walked away immediately.
Turns out Woolite can get the cum stains out of her moms couch.
in mid cry she says "I can be a whore if I want to"
i just opened a bottle of wine with my dads power tools
Hate the very realistic pregnancy dreams. Like my dream when I birthed the pirate ships. SO REAL...
Is it bad that my only regret is fucking on the bathroom floor and not the sink?
If you're receiving this text it's probably because I drunkenly flashed you on Saturday. Sorry for forcing you to look at my tits. That was uncalled for.
She is the absolute last thing I would want to screw. Honestly. Fellating a porcupine. Higher on the list.
Question: should I be considering heels or is this the kind of night where I should plan on falling on my face regardless of my choice of footwear?
It was his birthday this weekend. I had to carry him 6 blocks, in 3 inch heels. The entire time he was trying to molest me, eat my face, and try to stop every two feet to tie his shoe. He would light a cigarette, forget about it, almost burn everyone, throw it out, then decide he wanted to smoke. He kept repeating that he trusts me with his life.
...Wow...
I could be a kindergarten teacher
Strip Simon Says: DO IT
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