I passed out in the cab. Woke up to the cabby yelling SIR SIR WE ARE AT THE TRAIN STATION!! SIRRRR!!
apparently farting at a cop is considered assault.
I think you should know he took my pants (buttons and zippers included) and my thong off with his mouth alone. I found my husband
anyone who has a picture of a ferrari with the caption "mAh DreAM caR" is getting denied as my facebook friend.
That's it, I refuse to live in a world where sparkly vampires beat Batman at anything.
We decided to smoke and then made crosses on our foreheads for ash wednesday
mom would be proud
On a scale of "impaired judgement" to "Mel Gibson," how drunk are you?
Toaster
Some rando is vomiting profusely into the garden outside the employee entrance. Where are you when things like this happen to me?
Vomiting outside the employee entrance
So somebody asked her is she's okay.She turned around,started running and screamed "Ballet is running through my veins" before doing a small pirouette.It's amazing how she managed not to fall.
Sit down my child. It's time you were told of my famous loss-of-virginity story entitled, "The Penis that Never Could."
Moral of the story: always keep condoms in your bra
Apparently I missed the "You may have to jack off a horse" part of the application.
He must've been a bear in a previous life. My nipple is bleeding. Shit's sensitive.
So I'm getting really old. I feel asleep for a booty call that I initiated. The struggle is real.
Sorry I called bc I needed help peeing outside
But I did it
Randomize
