why is every porn film shot in the same house? with the same red couch!?!
Did you know that when you swallow it's like 60 calories!?
That's okay, it's all protein anyway.
The old woman next to me on the el smells like cupcakes...but she doesn't taste like cupcakes
I can't, I'm busy. I've been walking around Tokyo on google maps for an hour.
i woke up with a shattered plate next to my head.
Apparently I also called my credit card company to demand a credit limit increase. I'm so content with not drinking another 60 days
Ladystoner tip: if eyes are bloodshot, lime green eyeliner makes them appear less red. its basic artt.
the potatoes in the margarita machine wasn't the breaking point. its when he turned on the stove and put a bunch of bottle rockets on it that i knew the night had prematurely failed
Ecstasy should be its own food group.
You got me so high that I almost couldn't leave my house for a bar because there was nothing to lean against on the way there
I picked up the bartender so he could open the bar early and ended up with him giving me a ride home when he closed. I like snowdays and everything, but they get really expensive. Also, I think I threw up on his front door. Not checking.
Happy Birhtday!
Dad, it's 3am and it's not my birthday... wherever you are, go home
I drank too much tequila. I'm hyperventilating. Send help. I think I slipped through satan's asshole.
Really I don't care what we're doing or watching. Your penis spends way too much time outside of my body.
Just slather his penis with BBQ sauce
Randomize
