At a stoplight watching a woman push groceries in a stroller while dodging oncoming traffic... Reallllly Detroit?
my dad came in to wish me a happy birthday and found me passed out in my underwear with the lights on and a plate of meat on the bed. i bet he was proud to have contributed to my creation in that moment.
My aunt just said- "pizza is like sex. Even if it ain't good it ain't bad." Obviously she doesn't know us too well.
We fucked standing up with my right leg over his shoulder. Thank you mom and dad for having once enrolled me in gymnastics. It has finally paid off
Not gonna happen. She just told me she puts glitter over the mole on her nose to make it look like a piercing.
All was going smooth until he pulled a condom out of his collection he kept in a Cheesy Gordita Crunch Box from Taco Bell.
I'm surrounded by 3 year olds in tutus. They are far too innocent to be within at least 500 ft of me.
I guess you don't remember pouring tequila in the dog bowl and slurping it.
Walked into a liquor store bleeding. That kind of night.
my vagradar is going off.. it smells a soldier
A cute girl just told me she forgot to take her birth control and winked... I've never been so conflicted about fleeing in terror
I need vodka mixed w a bit of holy water right now
Because I'm currently dying, lacking waffles, and vaguely convinced I'm an eagle
Moral of the story - don't craft naked. Your nipples with thank me.
Your drunk self managed to not pee on anyone's bed
Go me
I'm actually proud
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