Molly wanted me to tell you, "she hasnt shit on the floor in a while" like she thinks its an accomplishment.
I thought I would take a shower to wake me up but now I'm naked wet and stoned laying on my bed instead of just stoned laying on my bed
Jim came in did 3 body shots of her she said "I like your tongue" and they left. I swear to god its deja vu he's done it before
you know you're a senior when your friends are at the bar before you even get out of class
why the fuck would you go to class? it's karaoke wednesday.
last karaoke night = doing dmx songs with a guy who threatened to stab me. so yeah I'm coming out.
you were trying to convince me that you weren't drunk by grabbing my shoulders, looking deeply into my eyes and saying "i can see your sparkle"
Thank you for making it possible for me to get laid while having peace of mind my dog is well taken care of.
Halfway through lecture, some kid in the front row threw up IN his hands. Professor held the door for him to carry it out.
I was THIS CLOSE. But drunk me wanted to play those washboard abs with a spoon, like an actual washboard. Apparently that hurts, so I just squished it out at home alone.
My hands are stained pink. I look like I fisted a muppet.
So I've been in more fights on one leg than I've had on two.
I just accepted my offer to work as a camp counselor over the phone between shots of Fireball. This is going well for me so far.
Rule #36, branched off rule 4: Dave stays on a leash in crazy settings. It keeps him good and gets you laid.
So essentially he's like a puppy you can bring to a bar? Retractable leash or chain then?
Wait..I'm drunk and butt naked making a pizza. Happy Wednesday.
She asked me if I could do that to her every single time. I said nope. sometimes it's better.
Randomize
