The iPhone is ruining my ability to sex message. My 5-year-old cousin just picked up my phone at my grandmas birthday party and read "I wanna stand you up and fuck you from behind" to my entire extended family bc of popped up on my screen
My plan for valentine's day: take a shot for every guy I've slept with. To keep me from going to the hospital I'm only doing half a shot for small dicks
That was the most comfortable bag of doritos I have ever slept on!
He's having sex with his gf again. Every thump of his bed against the wall is insulting to our one night stand.
I'm 25 and she is 19. She wants to practice blowjobs on me because of my stamina. Not only does the GI bill pay for me to go to school I am teaching a freshman blowjob course. I love Texas.
I think I may have accidentally stepped in fire
I was afraid someone would drug test my pants so you set them on fire.
She shit all over my seat. She is not allowed in my car under any circumstances. Not even with drugs. You can't forgive a shit.
Dude I'm at a bar, and there's this Elvis impersonator here that I went to rehab with. Apparently Elvis has left the wagon.
seriously, who doesn't want to get shitfaced and have sex to the backstreet boys?
I asked him for something to clean up with after sex and he handed me a sham wow. A SHAM WOW
Being responsible doesn't make memories.
you can see where the duct tape was on my nipple
I just tried to lit a bowl with my chapstick.
I don’t care how cute or big a guy is I’m done with drunken hand jobs. It was like I was pulling a nine inch bungee cord for 25 minutes. Now My arm and shoulder is dead
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