things it involved: vodka, boy parts, possible photos of me on a cell phone. things it did NOT involve last night: my bra, his pants, and sobriety.
He has jerked off in so many socks I am surprised he doesn't have athletes dick
Going to a party tonight. Sorority girls will be there. Primary goal of the night: make one cry. Secondary goal: become a father.
I'm telling people I'm celibate. It sounds cooler when it's by choice.
She stumbled in with some guy, woke me up, introduced him and said "This is my sister. She's a freshman. She probably hates you."
I sat in the bathroom on the counter and gave out advice to all the random people that walked in
We broke up in downtown Nashville with drunken, blow up penis waving bachelorette parties walking by. For some reason I can see this ending up as a country music video.
I had to run home with my hands covering my tits this morning. How does this keep happening?
Going through Bojangles drive thru chanting "KFC" hammered at 8:00 was the highlight.
The Universe is CLEARLY playing a bad joke on your sex life
Nothing like a little " am I gonna shit myself " to spice up the work day
oh my god you are days, if not hours away from a dick pic. This is the day the lord has made rejoice and be glad in it
Dude I bought a 300 dollar buffalo painting. I'm no longer allowed to take shrooms.
you face planting the wall was epic
did you at least save my tooth
Not this time. I'm drinking in my sweatpants which means I've given up for the day and shouldn't be in public.
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