if you wake up with plaid pants on your floor in the morning, you made a bad decision.
so I was like, you know platform 9 3/4? I know something else with those measurements. best. pick up line. ever.
He just said "I made some changes in my life. The male g-spot is in the rectum and I wanted to explore that."
Soo I have a handle of 100 proof captain, cupcakes, and nothing to get up for in the morning.. This blizzard is shaping up to be a great night.
then he said "your boobs looked so much bigger on girls gone wild"
I forgot about that,good spring break.
The online application for Mcdonald's said I could do incredible things there. Today I threw out shit filled underwear in the women's restroom and escorted a very drunk/high 42 year old man outside after he ordered a 5 dollar foot long and a bloody mary.
I got you a housewarming gift. It starts with "A" and ends with "bottle of Jameson"
we made out at a charity event. really i was helping the fight against aids...
Come outside. The vendor wants to go out strong tonight! Russian hooker interviews. Don't ask. We leave in 3 minutes.
I dont care how high you are "yes" is not the correct response to "what do you want from Taco Bell" Mom.
i woke up the next morning in a pool of blood in my bathroom and a pinata donkeys head in my bed
so much for an anticlimactic 22nd birthday
And if I could both stabilize myself *and* pick things up with my penis... Well, I wouldn't be on the fire dept...
You sent me a picture of curly fries with no explanation attached. This is the first time you've texted me in 2 months.
I'm the Oprah of jello shots
I wonder what dick looks like without astigmatism?
Randomize
