Call me back. I want to hear your side of the dead cat in my garage story.
...you put a chicken patty in my toaster last night..
I KNOW you don't honestly think you can pay me back in lotto tickets.
vegan vag taste different. and not a good different
At this point I feel like i'm never going to be sober, and it's frightening
... thanks for letting me perform minor surgery on myself last night.
I figured if you were smart enough to sterilize with vodka, you could handle it.
My leg won't stop wagging. It's like it's congratulating my vagina.
He sent me a poorly photoshopped picture of his shaved dick wearing a Hot Dog on A Stick titled "Shorndog"...
Just keep in mind that she didn't start telling you you had the largest penis she had ever seen until AFTER she found out about your multi-million-dollar trust fund.
Accepting his friend request would be the Facebook equivalent of pity sex.
I woke up in bed spooning a vacuum cleaner
Like tbh you're not doing anything that screams I'm drunk and yet nothing says I'm going to spend $30 on McDonalds and make out with a stranger like that picture
We were like one big happy Eskimo family.
It's a novelty for anyone to see a girl like me in a skirt like this milking a cow
well true... there's not a real discreet way to masturbate in public
Randomize
