all I know is if I don't watch spice world right now there will be a firefight.
I did the walk of shame to another booty call
I don't think that should turn me on, but it does
Note to self. Never fart in a tanning bed
So I accidentally txted this girl with the same name as the one im seeing, as it turns out shes still dtf
Yo I'm texting you while getting a bj. I know, I'm the man. Told her I was texting my mom in the hospital.
Just scrubbed my teeth for a good twenty minutes. Herpes is afraid of toothpaste, right?
He just texted me asking if I remember pinching his eyelid shut with my eyelash curler.
Dude he was a used car salesman for his friends' penises. I know I have something here that's right for you!
idk, it started getting weird when they were looking up videos of lesbian giraffes
I don't feel bad about fucking old guys. That's what I want. It's what I likeeeeee.
Considering the fact that everyone took the wrong jacket from that party, should we casually try to return the chalice and soccer ball we stole from last night?
I feel like I just want to take a shot of jack, have sex, and shoot myself in the face. In that order exactly.
woke up next to the new dishwasher. set the record for banging a new employee to 6 hours...i should be a professional sexual predator
Her four year old daughter walked up to me grabbed my junk and said "this will be in mommy later." Wtf?
MAGGIE IS ON MY COUCH PETTING AN HONEST TO CHRIST ARMADILLO AND SOBBING INTO HOT CHOCHOLATE. WHAT THE FUCK DID YOU DO TO HER.
Randomize
