sarcasm needs its own font
Just shaved my vagina. It's been so long I forgot what it looked like. You need to come over right now.
Where can I buy a trophy for a Groupie Award?
She had sex with a merch guy. . . band guys make you groupies, Merch guys just means she's easy.
You are colorful like whore, yet adorable, like sad puppy. You need more drink.
They were picking gravel out of my face for an hour. I think I took more out of the road than the road did of me.
Barfights against pavement aren't genrally won by people. Props.
If sitting in the car passing a flask back and forth because the bar we go to is having some power issues on Christmas eve isn't Christmas spirit, then I don't know is.
HOW DID YOU GET DEPORTED FROM THE BAHAMAS
Drinking ketchup directly out of the bottle does not make it tomato juice.
I'm like 87% sure some random guy starting biting my ear after grinding me for like 30 seconds... I feel suprisingly unconcerned
legit question. can i put a condom down our garbage disposal? my rents are coming over in 20
my phone went off during the middle of it and he ask what i was doing. he wouldn't let my reply with "your boss". ..
Also, your girlfriend apologized to me about yesterday. That was nice of the cunt.
There are flour footprints all over the house. Either u guys are trying to pull that Paranormal Activity shit on me again, or u got drunk and tried to make pancakes.
So it turns out high me is very efficient. I set 5 alarms to remind me to do things, i made mac and cheese, and i wrote a poem. I'm going places.
I am so dumb. I made a mistake and let him get away.
Don't worry, there are other penises in the sea.
Thanks, mom.
Randomize
