dude you need to get laid
me?
no, the other guy who hasn't been laid in 7 months
oh I thought you were talkin about me
wait
you tried to tell me that ice cream had no calories because they were "frozen"
The vibrator you gave me is probably the one thing I will never give up if we got robbed at gunpoint
and then you yelled "out of the way, i'm a lifeguard!" and everyone let us through
I don't care who it's from we're getting blown. It's a 3 day weekend anything can happen
4 girls from the bar, me, strip basketball. here. NOW
Remember when I asked you to make sure I didn't go home with anything less than a 6 last night? You're fired
I woke up with Pop Rocks stuck to my ass
that almost beats the chick I saw smoking a joint while uni-cycling past my house at 4am. Almost.
If you get laid dressed as my dad that makes me extremely uncomfortable
YOU HAVE BEEN BAD TOUCHED BY THE LEPRECHAUN OF CHOICES
In other news, I tore a tendon in my hand from giving my boyfriend handjobs so that's how my day is going
I haven't gotten dressed in 4 days. God bless you, unemployment.
Details are irrelevant. Come bail me out of jail.
I wrote life affirmations on my notes to repeat and read several times a day so I become a better person, see the time on the toilet has been constructive
Randomize
