I guess I fist pumped too hard. I hit my mom in the face and now we're sitting in the ER.
When we told the nurse what happened, she replied with "OH, Well you don't look Italian to me!"
i wrote her a fucking poem. i better get laid for that
Living well is not the best revenge. Fucking his brother is.
who paints a picture of their own dick and sends it to people. i dont know if its borderline crazy or just fucking genius...
i watched you ride a mechanical penis. nothing is awkward between us anymore.
Oh god. Standing was a rash decision
I made it to Starbucks to do work and I've just been sitting here with my head on the table for 30 minutes...
I thought it was a myth but I have just reached the age of sitting on my balls. Not a fan.
My Saturday dick is so much more impressive than my Tuesday dick.
Getting stoned at work has never been a good idea, but im always more than willing to give it another chance
The strip clubs here are like a safari of penis, and I'm gonna bag me a rhino.
Just made a beer run. At 9am. In my pjs. I should not be graduating today
I can't have my last hookup before 21 have been behind a dumpster
she came into my car to rip lines with our blow dealer as I was writing my essay on anti drug policy, i call it on site research
So I thought you might like to hear how I went to sams club to print some pictures and suddenly there was 20 pictures of your dick and my snatch on the screen
Side note: I apologize for sex being the subject of every single one of my texts. That's what happens when you date an older man who constantly denies you sex on the basis of his ridiculous morals.
Randomize
