Whenever he makes me dinner its always mini things.. cheeseburgers, corndogs.. is he preparing me for something?
Answer the phone when I call you in a second. Just got pulled over for getting road head, going to secretly put you on speaker phone, this should be good
I have a new reason to go to work: I can tell which 3 of my coworkers are sisters just by looking at their butts.
Im holding a competition......who saw me last, and who knows how my nose got bruised? you earn points for answering either question. and for bringing me water.
U took a sewing needle to his nipple
Psshh,
Im walking to an ob gyn practice session right now. Literally have to get face first in a middleaged vagina in 10 min.
But he buys me breakfast and goes down on me THATS HARD TO FIND
It's almost like a boob-text, but it's not. Because it was live. And you were showing a bunch of people.
So did he inherit the massive family cock?
:(
If I had a mugshot, I would totally use it as my main picture on Tinder, just to keep it interesting.
dude, I felt like being high in a Santa hat and eating five boxes of cookies was right for today.
I need thought I would ever have to use the phrase "Don't fart on that Calzone".. Thanks for that
Okay so it turns out that my bf keeps a log of every time I sleep-fart. It's dated back to 2013.
Was i rolling around in a parking lot last night
There's a Russian superstition that you'll spend your year the way you celebrate New Year's, so I'm honestly not that surprised you're drunk.
Randomize
