even my farts smell like vagina
I love you. And by the way. I found out a way for you to train your gag reflex. Elliot taught us in math.
before you smothered your pizza in mayo you blotted it with a napkin saying you were trying to watch your fat intake
I just got asked if I have a rule for sleeping with people. Like they have to buy me dinner first etc...
On that note, do I have a rule?
do you remember yelling at the waitress that you were a power bottom?
When hitting a Woodchuck bottle with a machete, glass will fly back and cut your face.
I hope you did not try this.
i get the sense she is planing new and exciting ways to physically harm me during sex
oh my god, just saw a man throw up in a trashcan and blood came out of his nose. HES GETTING ON MY BUS. HES SITTING ACROSS FROM ME. FUCK.
when i saw his roomate the next night he kept openly referring to me as "the girl who orgasms loud" when he would try to get my attention
Seriously! We need to take her a thank you note or something. She puts up with the drugs and the extremely loud sex. She deserves a thank you card.
Thats the last time im "arresting" you to get out of paying your bar tab.
What?! The only reason I married your sister is to have a Cop in the family!
Don't act like you're not jealous that I disappeared into the closet to blow my husband. Marriage = all the cock I want.
Suspicion confirmed. my mom has her nipples pierced
Way to crack the case Nancy Drew
Sensing a theme here
If alcoholism is a theme, yes.
It's only 10am and I doubt my day could get much worse. During my 9am meeting I had to sit between my boss who I fucked for my promotion and the guy he walked in on me fucking on the copier
Randomize
