um i just realized that some of the people at my family reunion look inbred. thats not a good sign.
hahaha beady eyes set close together? defs inbred.
my dads cousin just put a cig in his dogs mouth and says, "look its a commercial for newport!" holy hell i hope im adopted.
You'll be proud of me
Who did you not have sex with
Damn it...you know me too well
Whatever is fine with me, as long as I am dressed in green and end up shitfaced.
So there's dick imprints in the peanut butter
Talking to a male stripper. About the LSAT. Only in Vegas.
You hopped on the counter after puking, and told us you were wearing bare feet and didn't want to be alone.
You said your legs stopped working and then pulled yourself around the floor with your hands.
That explains the wood chips stuck in my nipples.
The EMT told me when I left the ER "I'd like to take off your pants again and inspect your package. Just not during a medical emergency..." We're hooking up tonight.
Points for getting a hot hook up after getting a shard of glass in your thigh. Almost makes it worth it.
she basically told me that her vine videos last longer that I do
I'm studying. And by studying I mean I am laying on my floor drinking boones farm alone. Last two weeks. Fuck it.
Letting Freddy Krueger eat me out = HAPPY HALLOWEEN TO ME!!!
I have no concept of chastity or moderation, she is a Catholic guilt poster child, how could I not try to hit that
Which sister was it? The one I accidentally hit when my shoe flew off or the one I ate candy off of when we were high?
So the same great-aunt that told me to freeze my eggs for procreation just told me that I should strut around the dance floor b/c I'd get picked up.
I need to meet your family.
It started with drunk jenga and ended with me simultaneously peeing and puking on his feet in the tub while he held me up. I met Tequila. I don't like her.
Randomize
