Soo both my 8 year old sister and fuck buddy are named Sarah..
this can't be going anywhere good
nooope. guess which one i texted last nite to come over so i could "punish her pussy"? =\
i just won an entire level on word mole with the word 'clitoris'
he was chasing shots of soco with fistfuls of my birthday cake
no more everclear, i just stood next to the toilet and peed my pants. then went back to the party soaking wet.
Just had to explain to the nurse WHERE I have poison ivy. Great Day
traded hat for shot of whiskey. lovah yo life. only ADVENTURE NOW. OH GOD IT WENT TO CAPS LOCK
The claw marks on my back are healing nicely. Just thought you should know.
My bad. Next time I'll wear mittens.
mike is out of commission and cannot make breakfast. he's sitting with two frozen waffles on his face & smiling like an idiot.
Everybody needs breakup sex. You just happened to get yours from a dude who hasn't reached the point of breakup yet. No biggie.
I think I gave the bachelor party directions to the breweries next to my dentist so that they could take me to my appointment and pick me up afterward...
The groom's brother was an accomplishment. Then I remembered he was also the officiant. Check and check.
YOURE A FUCKING ADULT. DONT TELL ME ITS PAST YOUR BEDTIME WHEN I WANT TO GET ANOTHER COCKTAIL.
Seriously, you just banged the guy that wishes his dog happy birthday on fb. That's fucking adorable!
Here's the thing. Kinda drunk. Eating leftover soup. In bed. Watching Disney channel.
in fetal position in his closet not sure if he knows im here... hugging his spongebob cake pan i stole.... now please come find me..
Randomize
