People kept wishing me happy birthday last night. apparently i was 21st birthday drunk
They past out watching a re-run of the 1984 presidential debate on cspan
He's really hot. I think he's gonna be my reason to shave this winter.
Lost another pound. Switching from beer to hard liquor did this body good.
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He has a landing strip. I repeat he has shaven himself a landing strip. HELPPPP!
He said he has something to give me... I swear to God if it's a joint or a framed picture of his penis i'm going to kill him
He blew a .19 and then slurred "well I did have some rum cake earlier today officer".
And I think your bro would be happy to know that when I took my bra off like 10lbs of confetti fell out. It was like my tits were celebrating being free
Ugh I hate you, and the responsible adult life I pretend to have during daylight hours
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Thanks for the hickies, asshole. I make my living as a fitness instructor. It's gonna look reeeeeeal weird if I have to wear a scarf while teaching Zumba all week.
are you just inviting me because you can't afford an actual stripper?
Adding to the list of things I have said out loud at the bar that I shouldn't have: "I am the yoda of sucking dick"
The Royals are in the World Series. I've never drank so much in one week in my life.
He met a girl at a stop light and managed to give her his number while driving down the highway.
Guy running next to me at the gym is judging me. I think he can smell the whiskey leaking out of my pores.
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