I am going to be in the room whjen you have your first child and spit on its face before its even all the way out of you.
I just did the scooter of shame. New levels of embarrassment have now opened.
The worst thing about having a parent with a prius is that they can walk in on you without any warning
Nothing kills the mood more than a jesus song.
He threw a goldfish cracker into my toilet and then proceeded to laugh for 32 minutes. I timed it.
I like to think that tonight was Jesus punishing James Cameron for his role in popularizing "My Heart Will Go On."
idk but i have you stored in my phone as 'guy with beard doing body shots'
It's nights like those I refer to my life motto: You can't be just friends with someone after you've seen their genitals.
just found a someones bra in what seems to be a mix of pickle juice and vodka in my fridge. Who was over here lately?
Pretty sure I was high. I thought there was music coming out of my makeup bag.
im not trying to sound dramatic, but im covered in microwavable lasagna
I've come to the conclusion all of your awkward and complicated male encounters could easily be intercepted by a man town Yankee candle and a vibrator. Sleep on that tell me your thoughts in the morning. Sweet dreams.
She's chasing her own tail and is afraid of her own feet. My stoner cat, ladies and gentlemen.
I feel like I missed the land of milk and honey and instead wound up in the land of beer and pizza. And yet, I think I'm happier here.
this is the 3rd time this week I've gone to the liquor store to stock up for the next 2 weeks
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