His moose knuckle keeps winkin at me
I'm watching Terminator eating a jar of marshmallow fluff. Trust me, you are not fat.
We left around 4 AM after the stripper showed no mercy and dropped into a split on Matt's nose. Massive nosebleed.
how was last night?
i woke up with my hand stuck in a jam jar with my keys in the bottom and a dog licking peanut butter off my boobs. you tell me.
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Dear drunk me, don't shave my balls til you're sober. My junk looks like a pomeranian with mange.
What I thought it would be sexy pouring melted chocolate down here chest, ended up in second degree burns. Hot food and sex do not mix.
you sat in the middle of your kitchen floor feeding your dog blueberries one by one
You bit the bartender when he refused to poor rum in your purse and hand you a straw.
we've decided whoever is stupid enough to use the condom that's tacked to the wall deserves to get pregnant.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
FYI, announcing your arrival at jail with "Hi,yes, I'm checking in? I believe I've reserved a bed, a 2 night stay this weekend?" is, in fact, frowned upon
I know, my friend Erin took me into the bathroom at work and poured pickle juice on me.
I should get him a card "thanks for letting me use you for your penis on and off as I see fit and for being a nice guy. My boobs and I appreciate your loyalty and dedication"
HOW THE FUCK CAN YOU NOT REMEMBER WHIPPING IT OUT AND PUTTING ON THE BAR?
By the way, you're banned for life.
Yes. I'm realizing that sports games are good reasons to drink. I just cheer when everyone else cheers.
I'm now forever going to blame miss frizzle for making me the sexual deviant that I am today
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