i just had 3 doubles lined up on top of a urinal, texting with one hand and my dick in the other. I an fucking awesome.
I'm doing a half mile walk of shame carrying a trash bag and still very drunk. Save me. I feel like a refugee.
They were going around the house breaking things and screaming "Not my house!"
If we see one freshman that cummed on me, we are leaving.
New development. Drinking at work is so easy and awesome I might have to do it everyday.
when i first looked at you, you weren't wearing any pants. but then i realized you had them around your neck as a cape.
Maybe STDs were invented to keep stupid people from having kids.
Can an epipen be used as a tranquilizer ?
The best of us have puked in our office garbage cans. I just hope yours wasn't the metal mesh kind...and bagless like mine. Rock n roll office manager.
There are no female cereal mascots. I just realized that in my drunken state... So sexist...
I'm still me, I just happen to have things in my porn library that you may not have expected
Only you would come out as bi like that
First night of sleeping in the same bed, and she farted on me. I immediately excused myself and went home. Don't know if we're still together. Will update you.
I'm not sure what happened last night but my dog has a red cup taped to his back with a little beer and a ping pong ball in it..
We invented a new game.
You got up in the middle of a sentence, puked, came out and poured another glass of wine and continued your story.
GOD I WOULD STAB DANNY IN THE EYE WITH HIS OWN PENIS
.........That big, huh?
No. I would cut it off
Randomize
