No idea how i never noticed that penis before. I wonder if it works
You answered the door when the cops arrived with a beer in one hand and a pillowcase over your head yelling "GAGA, OOH LA LA!"
don't blame me for your drunken lack of judgement
big words... still drunk. dont care. your fault.
I woke up and found 10 txts from him. All sent at 6:30 am, and all about the muffin man.
speaking of graduation plans, i'm blacked out eating sausage
Please please please tell me that is not a pringles container full of pee that your little brother just got a hold of.....
I peed glitter this morning and had a beard drawn on my face with eyeliner. Last time I do shots with gay Dan.
I hear youre working today. To keep you entertained, ive compiled a list of condiments that my dick has NOT been slathered in since last Friday: Relish, and raspberry jam. That's right.
You are so predictable. I am willing to bet 20$ that instead of going out you are sitting on your couch, stoned, watching Seinfield re-runs and eating cheezits.
1. they're goldfish. 2 fuck you
That tingly feeling you're experiencing in your lady parts is my mustache. All the ladies of America are waking up feeling the same thing. You're welcome.
we just drove past a kid stuck in a tree what a wonderful time to be alive
I finally figured out how to tighten my bra straps and I feel like a god
Getting food poisoning after eating at work was the cherry on top of my "Welcome back to real life" sundae.
90% sure I just opened a snapchat of you in a fuzzy bathrobe next to your ceiling collapsing
For the record, if you sneeze while you have a dildo in your vagina and you dont have a good grip on it, that thing can get some distance.
Randomize
