I just found out the guys at work had a bet as to who could sleep with me before i move away.
Who won?
All of them.
And Anthony pissed on himself at the strip club
it is 7:54 and i am surrounded by drunk old people. drunk enough that my grandmother and her friend just compared boobs. as in, shirts off, bras coming down. save me.
my mom used to put diet coke in my bottle. i can pretty much handle anything.
Either this is the best sandwich I've ever had, or my stomach is just relieved to have something in it that's not Red Bull or semen.
I think my cats understand what porn is. And it's all my fault.
you're being fucking weird and i don't like it. text me when you're not being the after picture on a poster for rehab
All I'm saying is that your next houseguest had better not barge in on me in the shower demanding I wash the stolen dye from his hair. I'm not doing that a second time.
He's a Shit stain on my heart
Using the balance in my bank account I just calculated how many fifths of vodka I can buy this year. Don't let me buy food, all my money is reserved for alcohol
Didn't want you to think it had been open season on my vagina since we broke up.
Sorry. My phone died in the middle of you explaining why we would never work as a couple. Whatever you were gonna say, I probably agree.
I just spilled a shot of Patron on your mom.. Body shots may be happening. You better get here quick.
Let's get drunk and take out your tonsils tonight
How many times have you told me to call 911 this week?
Lol twice
Randomize
