Umm I'm too high to move.
His internet searches, listed chronologically: sex slave, volunteer sex slave, lava
the pharmacist hit on me as i picked up my herpes medecine. i think we found a winner.
He is the Donovan McNabb of stuff up his ass. Tell me that tomorrow. Too high to remember.
I've decided to tape numbers to the bottom of my heels corresponding to the number of drinks I can safely consume in them.
It's not my fault. Someone keeps buying me tequila shots. Idk who. But every time I look down there's another. I think there's a conspiracy.
There is a limo involved. Man up, and make yourself puke. Its only one more night of blacking out.
New rule during sex: if it causes you to take your rings off, don't do it.
Shit. We're going to have to drink until they're cute
Hello cirrhosis
Is it wrong that the only reason I'd want Savannah in my wedding party is to watch her whore around and drink?
The bond between me and cheese is something no man can understand.
I ACCIDENTALLY HOOKED UP WITH A GUY WHO HAS A NICHOLAS CAGE POSTER ABOVE HIS BED I CANT HANDLE LIFE.
The universe is either telling you 1. you make terrible decisions or 2. its time to let go of your hatred of Cage.
I'll screw just about anything, but I draw the line there
I woke up with "To whom it may concern" sharpied on my dick
I pointed at him and said “there goes mr fuckwad”
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